13 June 2006

Death Wish

I look deep in your eyes --- you quickly turn away ---
Torn, dirty pillow friends welcome you with cold comfort
Seething envy seeps inside me

You sense my eating Whys, and
I sense your eyes water like a river
Anger, hate, bitterness, unequalled sadness ---
I never thought a human heart can hold them all

“You can be cured…” --- was my last whimper

You curled like a baby even more,
Pretended I wasn’t there,
Slipped slyly again into your labyrinthine delusions
Time is running out ---

I’m a false prophet in my own home

17 reactions:

ipanema said...

Original? I love it!

You can be cured...

...Wishing it to be true
False advent thudding
Will I ever go
Where no one breathes amidst oblivion
Farewell my love, I'm letting go.

lol! Hey, welcome to Sick Poet's Society. Joke, ok? Anyway, for a change. Medicine and literature. Reminds me of the C.O.

Your poem is sad. Thanks, it made me smile. I love to start my day this way.

ipanema said...

Something bothered me, why the title of the post, Dr. Emer. I'm thinking of something sad - a patient of yours or someone else?

Sorry for being insensitive if this is the reason for the post.

Dr. Emer said...

Yes, I made it months ago...before an old patient who seemed so hopeless about her fate she simply didn't want any medical help anymore. She could've been saved.

I'm still not mature enough to face the sad truth that most of our senior citizens would rather embrace Death than entertain a possible option of life extension.

Thanks for liking it even if it's a sad work.

Dr. Emer said...

No, you're not being insensitive. It's ok, Ipanema.

rolly said...

Your poem reminds me so much of my mom. What would I have written in response had I been in her shoes? Maybe something like this.

Oh Hipocrates, save me
if you please but only
if you believe
I have yet more years
but if these be spent
to suffer and shed more tears
spare, and let me be
and let my spirit free

Maybe too pessimistic for your taste, huh?

ipanema said...

Rolly: That's good. Mine was even more glum. It's how we see death. Some would let go ever so happily, others, begging more time. It is this time that we didn't foresee when we had more of it.

Doc: Yes it's sad that she didnt want any form of life extension. Another fatalistic soul, bless her.

I too have a death wish. [Oh my God, here she goes] lol.

* That I may die peacefully in my sleep and not in a hospital bed.

rolly said...

Ipanema, seems like we have the same take on the situation. Life can be harsh to the ill sometimes.

And yes, I always pray I'd die in my sleep.

Dr. Emer said...

TITO ROLLY: Salamat sa reply. Ganyan din iniisip ko na sasabihin had she replied. The heavier burden I think rests on the heart of the sensitive doctor.

IPANEMA: Indeed, all of us wish for a painless death. But we have different destinies and only God knows what will happen next. These days, I don't pray for an easy life; I pray for strength instead, and occasional miracles along the way... :)

ipanema said...

That's true Rolly. I wrote in BBC something about taking "a peek" into the world of the blind and how I appreciate things better. That experience was an eye opener for me, how fragile life is, that at anytime, it can be taken away. For once I appreciate how important sense of vision is. I consider myself half dead at that time. So, you can imagine why I'm so grateful to my doctors, that some people can't fathom my gratitude towards them and my family.

My children who were not with me (I went back to Manila) at that time were always in my mind. I didn't want them to see me in that condition. Really one has to be thankful for each and every new day. So, I understand those who are asking for more time. I, myself, bargained for it. Not for me, but for my children, that I can do more for them.

How much more if you're in your sickbed, hanging for dear life, wanting to do more.

ipanema said...

Very true indeed Dr. Emer, to survive in our chaotic society nowadays, one needs strength to get through each single day. Otherwise, you'll fall into the trap of madness, sadness and bitterness. We need to appreciate simple things for us to be happy.

Toni said...

It is beautiful, Dr. E. I didn't know you wrote poetry! I enjoyed the poem, even if it was quite gloomy.

Dr. Emer said...

Thank you, Toni. Coming from you, I think that's a gem of a compliment.

Kim said...

"I am a false prophet in my own home."


Dr. Emer said...

Thanks, Kim! Good luck on the Nursing Grand Rounds. :)

Moof said...

With Bloglines telling me that I have over 480 unread posts, I was going to click through most of them because I simply haven't had time to read the blogs I follow in the last few days ...

... until I saw your poem, and I had to stop and read. And once I'd done that, I had to come and tell you that it broke my heart.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Dr. Emer. It hurt in all of the right places.

bayibhyap said...

It's a lovely poem. I believe you have spoken about this case before somewhere in one of your posts, about a patient who refused help even though he could have been saved. There must be a reason to lose hope and become fatalistic.

To be a false prophet in your own home? That's certainly profound!

Dr. Emer said...

Thanks, Moof. Your sensitivity stuns me, and I hope to make a happier poem next time to make you smile. :)

Thanks, Bayi. Yes, sometimes I feel like a "false prophet" when I can't get to do what I do best.